Not doing so well with the not drinking thing. Whoops
Using sadness and frustration to fuel productivity and health.
My nightmares have been off the charts bad the past week or so. The past three days have really had me reeling. I will have the most terrible dreams about my mother and her abusive ex. She always ends up sick or aware that she’s dying or I, half consciously, announce to her that I know this is a dream because she’s already dead and then while still dreaming become an emotional wreck at my inability to dream about her without knowing she’s not really “here”. The kind of thing where I wake up shaking and repeating fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck until I get out of bed and try to somehow move on from that without it keeping me off balance all day.
If I don’t dream about my mother, or even sometimes if I do, I cannot seem to stop having painfully vivid dreams about Nick and I getting into violent fights about him wanting to be with this other girl. These are equally as detrimental to me as the dreams involving my mother because I wake up tense and anxious after them. It is such interrupted sleep and it is too close to what real fighting is like. It’s as if I am literally in a screaming match for four hours or however long I’m asleep. I fucking hate it. I wake up angry and stomach sick and unbelievably drained. It makes me want to hate things. It’s ugly. It makes me feel ugly.
So I’ve been trying to deal with that the best I can by focussing on myself, keeping up with my schoolwork, getting my room to look the way it should considering I moved in months ago, and making a lot of changes to become mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy. No more cigarettes when I’m anxious. I haven’t had one in three days and I’m going to keep it that way. I’m not drinking for a month (not like I had a problem with that anyway really but I don’t want to drink at all for awhile) and am following a restricted meal plan- 100% clean eating, small portions, no dairy, light carbs, lots of protein- and I’m working out 5 times a week again. I had fallen off the wagon a bit with that and I’m catching myself before it’s too late. I went and got amino acid to drink while working out and post-workout protein to have after. I bought a women’s daily vitamin and fish oil to take every day and I’m drinking 3L of water along with starting each morning with a cup of green tea. By the end of the month I want to feel like a different person. If I stick to my current plan that should be exactly what happens, too. With all hope a heathy body will lead to a healthy mind and my nightmares won’t be keeping me up all night.
This is still my year. The changing of seasons and the coming of holidays has never been something I look forward to and it’s especially difficult now with my mom gone but I will use this time to push even harder to improve myself. I owe it to myself; I deserve it.
Everything is going to be okay.
I don’t understand why I can’t have one dream about my mom, just one, where she isn’t sick, doesn’t die or doesn’t know that’s she’s dying.
This shit messes me up.
i can’t remember the last time i was in your arms